Without you
by geekchic79
Summary: What became of Ianto when Jack left. Jack/Ianto and general team friendship. A bit angsty but it gets fluffier
1. Chapter 1

Without you

Ianto walked through the bustling thriving street staring blankly ahead. It was night. A year since he left. A year of waiting, wishing desperately for a sign that he might come home, everyday looking for something – anything that might mean his captain was coming back for him, or even thinking of him. He saw Jack everywhere, in his dreams, in busy crowd scenes, and every time he tried to follow him, he always moved further and further away, receding into a mass of vile bodies that signified nothing, and were nothing to him.

Ianto turned abruptly down a side alley, it was beginning to rain, and the swollen droplets soaked his cold skin until he was shivering. He pulled the coat that Jack had bought him one afternoon in Cardiff closer around his thin shoulders and then remembering once again that Jack had left him, to come to this, he ripped the coat off his shoulders and flung it on the cold concrete pavement, slamming his hands against the alley wall. Tears of anger, sorrow and misery coursed down his cheeks and mingled with the rain drops. Ianto remembered how Jack used to kiss the tears away and sooth him form his nightmares, but today, everyday for the past year in fact, his tears dried without Jack.

With the appearance of someone bound to a fate that they don't deserve Ianto pushed through a blue metal door and into a filthy, grimy stairwell. He climbed the stairs three at a time, scared that if he didn't reach his destination soon then he would lose his nerve, and go back to crying himself to sleep at night, serving coffee to a team who didn't notice, and didn't care what happened to him. Ianto reached the top of the stairs and reached for the door handle, looking past the shattered fragments of glass that lay on the stairs, or the crude graffiti that smothered the walls. He held his breath. Closing his eyes Ianto dared to inch his hand towards the icy handle, knowing exactly what he was going to do when he reached the other side and was outside, exposed, alone on the roof of one of Cardiff's tallest buildings. Ianto thought of Jack, and was seized with uncontrollable, reckless desire. He wrenched the handle from its fitting and burst through the door back out into the storm. Ianto sunk to the floor the icy rain soaking him to his skin, he focused on Jack, thinking of nothing else but his lover, his friend until he could feel the earth turn beneath him. Stars gleamed and the moon glowed down upon him, reflected in the dead lonely eyes of a man who couldn't see anything but the face of his long lost love. The silver of the moon seemed to dribble down over Ianto's eyelids as he thought of Jack. Tides changed, oceans crashed, babies cried, crowds roared. The world around him seemed to be building to a cataclysm of intense feeling and the noise raged and stormed through Ianto's body. Through a soul that was broken and scarred.

Suddenly Ianto stood up, breathing deeply. He clenched his fists and took several steps backwards from the low wall that surrounded the edge of the rooftop. The city around him was silent now, but the tide still ebbed and flowed across the sandy bay. Some things he had no control over. God knows Jack was one of those things. Like the tide he had turned away from Ianto, and Ianto had no way of pulling him back until he was ready, until he wanted to. But Ianto couldn't live much longer without Jack. Through a blur of salty teardrops Ianto said a quiet prayer, to who, he wasn't sure; "Jack," he began, "Without you…" he faltered his words choking him, how could he possibly even begin to describe what being without Jack had done to him. Great spasms of grief consumed him until he was able to speak again. "Without you, the world still turns, tides still change, coffee still gets made, Gwen still argues with Owen, Owen still doesn't notice Toshiko, life goes on. Jack. But I, I can't. Ianto glanced bitterly to his right, across the water but then let out a soft laugh, a heartbreaking, cynical release. "Cos I die without you Jack".

Ianto turned and began to run through the rain, away from pain, loss, rejection, misery, from his own sick tormented heart. Ianto reached the edge of the rooftop, and jumped.


	2. Chapter 2

"Toshiko, we've got reports of a disturbance coming in from a building just by the Electro theatre" Gwen leaned closer to the screen to get a CCTV image of the area

"Toshiko, we've got reports of a disturbance coming in from a building just by the Electro theatre" Gwen leaned closer to the screen to get a CCTV image of the area.

"Can't the police deal with it?" yelled Owen irritably

Toshiko glanced, frustrated, at Owen, "With the Electro's history of rift activity I think we should check it out." Owen relented and, still grumbling under his breath, began to shove various equipment into a green medical bag. "Which building is it?" he questioned.

"119 Trinity street, says here it used to be a tailors" replied Gwen, "ring any bells?"

"Not with me" replied Owen, "better get the SUV. Where's Ianto when you need him?"

"No idea," replied Gwen, "haven't seen him all day, he's probably down in the archives."

"IANTO!" Owen shouted, "Oi Tea boy!"

"Don't call him that Owen" reprimanded Toshiko in a tired voice.

"I was only trying to get his attention" laughed Owen, "what's the problem?"

"Nothing" said Toshiko, "he just hasn't been himself lately, and maybe you could leave him alone?"

Owen rolled his eyes and left through the heavy cog door to find the SUV

The ride to 119 Trinity street was a quiet one, Toshiko was purposefully ignoring Owen, and Owen, oblivious to this, was sat in the passenger seat, flicking through the various radio stations.

"Owen, I swear if you change that station one more time I'll-"

"Alright!" Owen dodged Gwen's fist and stared moodily out of the window. "Looks like we're nearly there anyway."

The three people, clad in black, climbed out of the SUV and began to walk, and then run towards the scene. A small crowd had gathered but it was soon dispersed as Toshiko, Gwen and Owen desperately pushed their ways through.

"Ianto!" Toshiko let out a small sob and her shocked desperate eyes turned to her team. Ianto lay on his back, eyes closed as if he might be sleeping, blood oozed from a gash at the back of his head and his arms and legs twitched and jerked horribly. "Owen, do something!" Gwen shouted, a note of panic creeping into her voice.

Toshiko backed away, tears pouring down he cheeks, he hand clamped to her mouth. "This is all our fault" she screamed, and then louder, "this is all our fault!"

Owen grabbed the oxygen mask form his med kit, "we need to get him to hospital" he said urgently

"Owen, I think he's…"

"No!" shouted Owen, so forcefully that Gwen took a step back, shuddering and shaking.

"We've got to pull together" Owen murmured, "Think what Jack would do."

The team grabbed Ianto and pulled him onto a stretcher; Gwen held his hand and whispered in his ear that everything was going to be ok.

They reached St David's Hospital and Ianto was whisked away from them by a flurry of doctors and surgeons. The team stood helplessly, soaked to the skin as their friend and teammate disappeared down the long corridor.

That night they waited in intensive care, watching Ianto's motionless body through cold glass doors. Toshiko crying quietly into Gwen's shoulder and Owen pacing up and down the corridor, muttering that he could have treated Ianto better at the hub.

Every so often the machines surrounding Ianto hummed and beeped and a nurse came in to adjust the tubes and wires running in and out of his body. It was 4am before they were aloud to see him.

"Ianto!" gasped Gwen, running to his bedside to make sure that he was really there.

Ianto opened his eyes slowly and shrunk back from the light, "Jack?" he mumbled

"No, Ianto," said Toshiko softly, "It's us, Tosh and Owen and Gwen"

"You gave us one hell of a scare there" continued Owen

Ianto recoiled, the team only noticed now how thin he had become, his bones jutted out at odd angles and his eyes seemed hollow and grey. Tears began to form at the corners of his eyes and they dribbled down his cheeks.

"Oh Ianto," Gwen fought back tears and grabbed Ianto's hand. Ianto seemed to stiffen at her touch, "I'm so sorry" Toshiko reached to try Ianto's tears and Owen stared at him intently with caring eyes. "No" began Ianto, looking up at his team, "It was never… I didn't mean to, I'm sorry" he finished, and exhausted he fell back into the cold hard hospital bed.

In the months of Ianto's recovery Gwen, Owen and Toshiko looked after him. And as a result they became a team again. Owen went with Ianto to physiotherapy sessions and Ianto started to play football with Owen's team on Fridays. Toshiko made sure that he always had someone to talk to and in return Ianto agreed to persuade Owen to take Tosh out for dinner. And when Ianto came into the hub at 4am because dreams of tall buildings, stormy nights and a life without Jack kept him awake, Gwen was always there. To talk to him, calm him and soothe him from his nightmares.

And then Jack came back

A/N: slight bit of artistic licence used. I know that someone probably wouldn't survive jumping off one of the "tallest buildings in Cardiff" but hey, this is sci-fi!In real life someone probably wouldn't survive being shot in the head backwards very slowly, or being mauled by a Weevil, in fact there wouldn't even be any Weevils. I could go on, but I won't. Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

"You left us Jack

"You left us Jack!" shouted Gwen, slamming Jacks body back against the wall, full of sudden anger for a man who knew nothing of what his team had been through in the past few months. Ianto watched silently from the corner of the room, staring in disbelief at the man he thought he'd lost forever.

"I know, I'm sorry" came the reply

"We new nothing Jack" Gwen continued her outburst, her raven black hair flying across her face.

Ianto stared intently at Jack, all the hurt, all the raw emotion from the past year began to resurface, he felt like screaming and crying out at Jack, he wanted to hurt him, and yet he wanted hold him close and feel Jack's arms around him, and the soft wool of his great coat beneath his fingers. Ianto glanced down at the floor, the argument between Gwen and Jack seemed to be over now but tension still hung in the air. Gwen had fixed Jack with a cold stare, how could he leave with nothing, no trace, not even a phone call for so long and then just walk back in and expect everything to return to normal. Didn't he care what had happened to her, what had happened to Ianto, in the past few months?! Signs of rift activity distracted her from her internal rant and she rushed over to check the monitor screen.

Ianto stood awkwardly, still staring at the ground. He glanced up, met Jack's gaze and then quickly looked away again. "I'll just, grab something from the archives" he muttered to Gwen, and quickly made his escape.

Ianto stood in the archives, running a shaky hand through his dark hair, and searching for nothing in particular on the shelves of the cold, dimly lit archive room.

"Ianto?" the low voice sent a shiver down his spine, but he wouldn't let it show. Ianto turned around, a false smile fixed upon his face. Anger, hurt, grief, resentment all hidden under layers of starched cotton and the dark material of his waistcoat and suit jacket. The bruising on his face and chest had finally disappeared and the stitches from his head wound were due to come out next week. "Yes sir?" he replied, in a voice that showed no emotion. Jack looked uncomfortable; for once he seemed to be lost for words.

"How've you been?" was all that Jack could come up with

Ianto thought through the events of the past year and said with a bittersweet smile "fine, thank you sir,"


	4. Chapter 4

Ianto remained in the depths of the archive room, as Jack began to climb slowly upwards to the main level of the hub

Ianto remained in the depths of the archive room, as Jack began to climb slowly upwards to the main level of the hub. Once he reached the entrance to the autopsy bay Jack stood awkwardly, not really sure what to do with himself he watched as three quarters of his team bustled around him, checking readings, assembling equipment and shooting him cold glances. His mind glossed over what Ianto had said to him in the archives, the younger man's smile had not quite reached his eyes, did he looks older? Thinner than before? Jack struggled to remember as Ianto's of all shapes and sizes spun through his brain, his vision of Ianto became skeletal and emaciated until it was nothing, jutting bones, cold dead eyes and lines that made deep striations into Ianto's once soft skin. "No!" Jack shouted, forcing himself out of his sick daydream

"Jack?" Toshiko's anxious face was close to his, "Is something wrong?"

"Nope, fine" said Jack with a forced smile that mimicked Ianto's

"Sure?" Tosh persisted

"Yep, fine, great, never been better in fact, you? How've you been?" Jack babbled in an attempt to change the subject

"Fine Jack," said Toshiko in a weary voice, "everyone's been fine"

Again questioning the strange undertones of what his team said to him, Jack turned and made his way up to his office.

Later that evening Doctor Owen Harper dragged his feet up the cold metal steps that lead to Jack's office. He was not particularly looking forward to speaking to his boss on a one to one basis, remembering that the last time they had spoken before his disappearance he had ended up sobbing into Jack's chest. Pushing this thought aside Owen barged through the glass doors without knocking and sat down heavily in the chair opposite Jack's desk. Jack looked up at him with eyes that seemed ancient and searched his face for some sign of forgiveness.

"I've finished that autopsy on the Weevil we found on Church Street, turns out it was just some dodgy rats that finished him off," Owen spoke quickly, avoiding Jack's gaze, "and it's all cleaned up so I'm just gonna run Ianto to physio and then I'll be back to-" Owen stopped himself, it had just slipped out, Ianto hadn't wanted them to tell Jack anything about his 'accident' as they now referred to it. "I don't want him to think I'm, weak" he had said, "Maybe we shouldn't drag everything up again?" and in their new found comradeship the team had agreed to support Ianto, despite their own feelings, and say nothing.

"Why's Ianto going to physio?" enquired Jack urgently, "Is he ok? I didn't know anything about this"

"Yeah well you wouldn't would you" said Owen, raising his voice in anger. "You just swan back in here, no bloody concern for what it was like for us when you were off with this Doctor, of course you don't know what's happened, why do you think Ianto's got stitches in his head for God's sake?" Owen spat the words at his captain feeling a sudden anger for what Jack had driven Ianto to. "Why Jack?" he laughed derisively, in his rage he almost looked mad "Nasty fight with a Weevil? Banged his head on the cupboard door?" there was a bolting look behind his eyes and he breathed heavily leaning against the wall. Owen's outburst had caused Gwen to come running up the stairs and now she stood in the doorway behind him.

"What happened to him Owen?" said Jack quietly and then anger consumed him and he roared, "What happened?" Gwen laid a hand on him arm and said, "sit down Jack" and then, with a nod of approval from Owen, "We'll tell you everything."

A/N duh duh duh! I will try and update soon I reckon there will be a couple more chapters, hopefully a little fluffier than this one, reviews are love

xxxhhhHhhhhhhhhhtuahgpgerhe


	5. Chapter 5

Jack sat at his desk with his head in his hands as Gwen and Owen finished their story

Jack sat at his desk with his head in his hands as Gwen and Owen finished their story. He opened his mouth to say something, anything but found no words. He was shaking and his eyes shone with tears.

"Jack?" said Gwen softly,

Jack said nothing, still in shock brushed away the tears furiously, not wanting to show weakness in front of his team.

"Jack if-" Owen began,

"I've got to find him" Jack murmured cutting across Owen and standing up abruptly. He ran out of his office and down to the archives, dodging through the maze of books and artefacts only to find he had taken a wrong turning. He had worked at Torchwood for over a hundred years but he had never learnt to find his way through the labyrinth of treasures that torchwood had accumulated in the way that Ianto could. The archives were vast, winding passageways and narrow alleys stretched miles beneath Cardiff Bay. Jack found that he had reached the part of the library that was directly beneath the bay itself. It was dark and damp, trickles of sea water flooded down the cold stone walls. Jack shivered.

Suddenly soft welsh vowels sent warmth radiating through him,

"Jack?"

Ianto stood in the doorway. Jack walked straight towards him and pushed his body gently back against the wall. He stared deep into the vivid blue of Ianto's eyes, and kissed him.

Ianto responded, softly as if he were unsure that it was really happening and Jack felt himself melt into Ianto as if they had never been apart.

It was Ianto who pulled away first. Jack opened his eyes to see tears clinging to the dark lashes of the ones staring back at him. Ianto pushed Jack away and turned to leave the archive room.

"Wait-" said Jack

Ianto turned almost angrily and they stood facing each other in the cold dank cellar, Ianto's breathing was rapid and irregular, his eyes betraying pain, desperation, He grabbed Jack shoulders and slammed him back against the wall.

"You left me Jack" his voice shook with anger and emotion. "I didn't even know where you were, I didn't sleep, I spent every night waiting, watching, hoping you might come back. But you didn't care did you? How could you? And Owen was right, I was just your part time shag, someone to keep you busy until your precious doctor came back. You make me sick, Jack Harkness. Ianto spat the last two words into the other mans face and shoved him against the wall again before leaving go of Jack's shirt and letting him fall to the floor. Ianto leaned heavily against the door frame glaring at the cold unfeeling stone wall. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry"

Ianto laughed bitterly

"Ianto look at me"

Ianto turned slowly round and met the burning intensity of the older man's eyes

"I know what happened, and I, I didn't want to hurt you, if I known… I would have never…"

Tears began to pour down Ianto's cheeks and Jack pulled him close to his chest. "Don't cry Ianto, Oh god please don't cry" he cupped Ianto's face with his hands and softly brushed away the tears that still fell. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Ianto, I love you so much, I never meant for it to end up like this." Holding Ianto's trembling body as close to his as possible he rocked him back and forth, tears ran down his cheeks and mixed with Ianto's. Hours later they were both quiet and Jack gently stroked Ianto's hair. Ianto turned his face to Jack and kissed him tenderly with soft forgiving lips, the sparkle had returned to his eyes.

"We'd better get back to work sir"

That night they lay in Jack's quarters Jacks body curled around Ianto's. Jack lay and watched as Ianto breathed slowly in, and then out again, and listened to the steady beat of the younger man's heart. He had forgotten how good it felt to have Ianto's skin so close to his. He could smell the scent of coffee beans on his lovers skin, and the taste still lingered on his tounge. Jack gently stroked Ianto's cheek and looked up at the starry night sky, travelling with the doctor was amazing, but he couldn't compare it to what he had with Ianto. Jack traced kissed across his lover's neck and his eyes finally rested on Ianto's peaceful face.

"Jack" said Ianto with a smile, "Stop watching me sleep and find something useful to do"

"Shant" replied Jack, pouting his lips like a small child

"Go, before I make you" smiled Ianto sleepily

"I'm staying right here" giggled Jack, encouraging Ianto

"Right! You asked for it" Ianto grabbed the pillow from beneath Jack and whacked him over the head with it. The pillow burst and through the explosion of white feathers that now covered the bedroom Jack grabbed Ianto and tickled him until, squirming and giggling, he fell off the bed onto the carpet, with Jack quickly landing on top of him. Still breathless with laughter Jack gazed down into eyes that told him everything that he needed to know.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

finish

A/N This chapter is dedicated to all the lovely people who reviewed, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it :) x


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